ELAINA

How are you?

I’m great. (laughs). I’m fantastic... And tired, VERY tired.

How did you sneak away to answer these questions?!

My babies are asleep! (It's a miracle) Otherwise, there's no way I could sneak away to answer these! ha!

When did you know you wanted to be a mother?

My whole life.

Can you share a little of Lincoln’s story? His life is so much bigger than what happened at the end, can you talk about the beginning of his journey on Earth? What did he tell you about himself during the weeks and months you carried him?

When we found out we were pregnant, we weren’t expecting it at all. Initially, I was scared. But after the first couple of days it was apparent that we were both extremely excited. There was a lot of nerves, not because we weren’t ready, but because of the unknown.

The second we heard his heartbeat it all became real - we were having a baby! That moment I'll never forget. That's when the excitement really took a whole new level; I was going to be a mom!  Lincoln really loved music. Whenever, we were in the car I would turn on a playlist James had made for me called "Lincoln," and he would go crazy kicking inside me. Every time I heard the song Man on Fire, by Edward Sharpe, Lincoln would go bananas! He was a big fan ;) We wanted a boy so badly, and when we found out the baby was a boy it was truly the most exciting doctors visit of the whole pregnancy!

My pregnancy itself with Lincoln was challenging. I just had a hard time accepting all the change with my body and my life. I had a hard time of letting go of ego. I also would have a lot of fear-based dreams.  I would dream that I couldn’t find him, or I had him and the doctors took him away from me somehow, and one night James found me sleep walking around the house turning on lights and searching for Lincoln.

I could tell Lincoln was a free spirit that had a lot of energy!  He was just so sweet. I remember one night I was watching TV and I just wanted to feel him and I told him, “Mommy wants to feel a kick” and he put his whole foot right in the palm of my hand. I just loved how he was like, "I hear ya mom, loud and clear, here's my foot!"

Can you recall your thoughts during the process of going into labor and delivering him?

It was a Monday and I was at my doula’s house sorting out my birth plan. We were sitting together at the table, and then I up to use the bathroom and while in the bathroom I had cramping as if i were getting my period. When I came back out and told her, she gave me this look and said she thought I might be going into early labor. I told her no way, but she told me to go home and eat a big meal and just see how it goes. I went home and that night I was so irritable and it carried on into the whole next day. I was having these horrible cramps and I thought, ‘alright little boy, here you come…’ But thing is, I wasn’t really feeling him kicking as much or moving as much in those last days. That Sunday I had gone wedding dress shopping for Christy and I just couldn’t get into it and I couldn’t get comfortable in my body and I felt so sad. I knew something wasn’t right, but I don’t think I ever thought that it was him passing. In hindsight, I think that that was the day he passed away. Sunday felt sad, Monday cramps and then by Wednesday late evening we were in the hospital in active labor.

Once we got to the hospital and they told us he didn’t have a heartbeat, I lost it. I just couldn't understand what was happening. I didn't believe it. I thought ok, once I have him they'll give him a little shake and he'll wake up, they'll see their wrong, my boy isn't dead. But I knew deep down i was wrong.  I still had to deliver him, I just remember wanting to have the nightmare over and wanting to get a c-section to just get it over with. I was just so sad, but James reminded me that if we wanted to have another baby and try for a natural birth, then maybe I should deliver him vaginally, but whatever I wanted to do he supported. I am so grateful for him and his presence of mind. They gave us time to grieve, hold each other, rest and by the next morning it was time to push him out. I delivered him in 15 minutes. The actual experience of giving birth itself was incredible. It was so powerful as a woman to get out of your head and be totally present in your body. It was so powerful to know that I had control of my mind and working with my body to birth this little human.

What did Lincoln teach you about yourself?

That I needed to learn to let go. That I have no control of outcome and I have to accept it.

What will/or do you share about the experience and their brother with the girls?

 I am going to tell the girls so much about him. He is such a huge part of our family. I already talk about him to them all the time. I show them his photos and his ashes are in the bedroom. They wear his clothes and every time I say, “those were your big brother’s!” Every year on his birthday to give thanks to him and celebrate him for what he has given to our family. I never want him to be forgotten about.